Fic: Looking Through the Tears(Gintama)

[w_alchemist_jen]

Okay, I'm going to be moving a few fics(both newer and older ones) here so I can continue them. ^^;

I'll start with my Gintama one-shot.

Title: Looking Through the Tears
Author: me
Rating: PG
Pairing: Hijikata x Okita
Summary: Hijikata helps Okita deal with a tragedy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama, I'm only borrowing the guys for my own nefarious/perverted purposes. If I owned it, Gintoki x Hijikata x Okita would be a canon love triangle.
Warnings: Spoilers for episodes 86 and 87
Looking Through the Tears

Toushiro Hijikata, Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi, was walking back toward his quarters to rest, heavily favoring his right leg. After the events mere weeks ago, he was still recovering from his wounds, but he was slowly regaining his strength and could now go for short walks without help.

Mitsuba...we all miss you, though I don't think anyone misses you as much as Sougo and I do, he thought as he took his lighter out of his kimono and lit the cigarette that he had in his mouth as he thought about the woman he'd loved, who just happened to be Sougo's older sister. Thinking back on it, he hated how coldly he'd treated her, despite the crush she'd had on him. The thing was, being a troublemaker who'd gone from dojo to dojo, challenging them before reluctantly joining Kondo's dojo, he never knew if the next challenge would be his last. Even as a member of the Shinsengumi, he never knew when a mission would be his last. So, he'd acted coldly toward Mitsuba to keep her away from him emotionally, so that, in the event he was killed, she wouldn't be as badly hurt, and he'd wanted nothing more than her happiness. Now that she'd finally succumbed to the disease that had ravaged her body, he felt guilty about treating her so badly.

I loved you. As long as you were happy, then I was happy, even if I never really showed it. You don't need to worry about Sougo, both me and Kondo will watch over him, he thought as he took a long drag off his cigarette and slowly blew out the smoke just as he was walking past the dojo. Hearing the sounds of someone practicing, he looked through the window and saw Sougo hard at work, practicing with his shinai.

"Oi, Sougo. Isn't it a little late to be practicing?" he asked as he stepped inside. Feeling a little tired, he sat on the floor, leaning against the wall with his right leg stretched out, watching the young Captain swing the shinai. He knew this was Sougo's way of trying to cope with the loss of his sister.

"You're going to burn yourself out at this rate. Why don't you take time to rest, Sougo?"

"I wasn't wounded, so I'm not on leave like you are, Hijikata-san," Sougo replied, his voice sounding a bit off. Having been around the younger man for years, Hijikata knew he was trying to keep from crying.

"You know, there's no shame in crying over Mitsuba's death, Sougo. Even if someone else saw you, they'd understand. We all know how close the two of you were," he said, the faintest of smiles playing at the corners of his mouth.

"I cried at the hospital after she died."

"That wasn't long enough. You need to cry more or you'll never be able to move on."

"Did you cry, Hijikata-san?"

As Sougo asked that question, he found himself walking over to the older man and sitting next to him.

"Yes, though it was when I went up to the roof after the doctors removed the bullet from my leg and patched me up," Hijikata admitted, a wistful look on his face.

"I even shared a package of those spicy crackers she liked with that silver-haired guy. He'd bought the bag and I was to deliver them to her, but we were too late."

As he spoke, he could feel the younger man lean against him. Evidently, since it was just the two of them, Sougo decided that he wanted comfort from someone. Not wanting to deny him, Hijikata painfully wrapped an arm around Sougo, pulling the younger man closer.

"Don't push yourself, Hijikata-san. You could die if you overdo it," Sougo remarked as he rested his head on the Vice-Commander's shoulder. Hijikata swore Sougo actually sounded a little worried.

"Heh, I figured you'd see this as the perfect time to finish me off and take my place as Vice-Commander. I'm still weak and I wouldn't be able to fight back. You could probably make it look like I simply fell over dead," Hijikata joked, a faint grin playing across his lips.

"No, it wouldn't be honorable to kill you now, while you're unable to fight back," Sougo teased right back.

This from the guy who routinely tries to blow me up with a bazooka, Hijikata thought as he silently continued to hold Sougo.

"I miss her, Hijikata-san," Sougo said after several minutes of silence.

"So do I, Sougo. I'm here for you."

Hearing that, Sougo looked up at Hijikata in surprise before he realized that, regardless of how the man had acted in the past, he'd always been there for him, and that, underneath the rough exterior, there was kindness and gentleness, but circumstances hadn't allowed him to show that side of himself. Softly sighing, he could feel the tears beginning to flow. As if sensing it, Hijikata tightened his hold on the younger man.

"Go ahead and let it out, Sougo. It's okay; we all have to cry at some point, so there's no shame in it," he murmured, smile widening ever so slightly as Sougo suddenly buried his face in the older man's shoulder and cried, quickly soaking the sleeve of his kimono. As he watched, Hijikata noticed a feeling toward the younger man that he'd never felt before. He knew it was very different from the comraderie he felt for all of his fellow Shinsengumi members, and figured that Sougo would only redouble his efforts at trying to kill him if he ever found out about those feelings.

This will be my secret until I know exactly how he feels about me. It's likely he's just showing me this side of himself because I'm the only one here, he thought as he continued holding the younger man.

Eventually, Sougo had run out of tears and fell asleep against Hijikata's shoulder. Figuring the young Captain would be more comfortable laying down, he moved Sougo so that he was laying with his head in his lap, and gently began stroking his fingers through the soft, light-brown hair.

He can kill me later for this. If I'm feeling strong enough, I might carry him to his quarters later, the Vice-Commander thought as he closed his eyes.

Of course, he never found out how he'd be feeling 'later', because he fell asleep almost immediately after he closed his eyes.

Fin